The Pilot

Season 4, Episode 23 — 129 scenes

• ""Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I'm worried about is having a stereo..."
• "Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral..."
• "Look, we've been through this already. You're not an actor."
• "-This is real believable. -You didn't think I was laughing?"
• "I don't understand. They're supposed to be casting this week."
• "What's with this Russell? What's he doing?"
• "Oh, that's okay. I-- I don't have much time, though, so--"
• "Yes, I know, and I-- I-- I just-- I can't get you out of my mind."
• "I don't know why-- Why don't they just put pretzels out on the table?"
• "Maybe if you were in Greenpeace or something, that would be different..."
• ""Did you ever notice this? Did you ever notice that?" guy."
• "-When are we gonna see each other? -I'm sorry, Russell. I'm sorry, okay?"
• "You know the message you're sending with these sweatpants?"
• "-I'm having a conversation here. -Get off the phone."
• "Casting tomorrow at NBC, 4:00. We're in business. The pilot's on!"
• "-He'll never let me be happy. -You don't believe in God."
• "-What? -It's like a discoloration. It's white."
• "No matter how bad somebody feels, you can make it worse."
• "-You're rooting for a tumor. -You'd better go."
• "If I don't, nothing will happen. If I go, he might find something."
• "No, no, no, I don't want it. Get away. Get away. Get away from my car."
• "I don't know. I saw him this morning, and I said hello. He walked past me."
• "So, what's going on? We're gonna shoot the pilot..."
• "When you answer the phone, you've got to say, "Vandelay Industries.""
• "-Everything all right? -I just came from the podiatrist."
• "What are we looking at? Is this guy a real loser?"
• "Well, he was, you know-- He was touching and rubbing."
• "Is that for the part, or does he walk around like that?"
• "-All right, wanna start? -Yeah."
• "-What was that look? -What look?"
• "-Levels? -Yeah. Getting rid of all my furniture."
• "-Very good. -Very nice. Tom, that was terrific."
• "-What are you doing here? -You two know each other?"
• "I saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts again."
• "I think if you go down the hall, it's on the right at the very end."
• "Sorry, buddy. Full house."
• "Sorry. Customers only."
• "Hey, you need a ticket."
• "She was in the Iditarod. Got to the finish line, just kept going."
• "-Why do I keep setting you up? -I don't know."
• "Ever since this new owner took over, the service here is really slow."
• "...characteristic would you say is common to all of them?"
• "I-- I haven't seen four women like this together outside of a Russ Meyer film."
• "They get all the attention from men. They get all the waitress jobs too?"
• "I'm gonna have to take a biopsy on this."
• "It should be part of medical school training. "Cancer? Get out of here."
• "It's a little test. It's nothing. You're a real nut, you know that?""
• "I lived my whole life in shame. Why die with dignity?"
• "What happened to you yesterday?"
• "So I decided to run home through the park, and then two guys stopped me."
• "-You didn't go? -No, and now I can't get it back."
• "The best thing to do is just not think about it."
• "What's the matter with him?"
• "So we decided I should go over there and apply for a job myself."
• "-This is what you're gonna wear? -Yeah."
• "-What about the dogs? -They're having sex in the hotel room."
• "She loves throwing garbage out the window, yet she's extremely dainty."
• "No. Just chitchat, movies, current events. Regular stuff."
• "-...Elaine. -How does Elaine kiss?"
• "Actually, she has a thing where she spirals her tongue around. It's like a--"
• "...and I can slurp it up to my mouth like this. Look."
• "-And I'll have the hamburger. That's it. -Yeah."
• "Oh, yeah. I've been a professional waitress for the last 10 years."
• "I'm sure you'll find that I'm more than qualified."
• "You're in big trouble, mister! And I mean trouble with a capital T!"
• "...terrible movies in the '70s with these kinds of women."
• "...I went in to apply, and he looked me up and down, and he rejected me."
• "They make it in New Jersey. It's just a Danish-sounding name."
• "Boy, talk about a show about nothing."
• "This-- This is not right."
• "I'm not gonna say it like that."
• "-Take a five. -Yep, that's five."
• "...they're a little touchy about being told how to say the lines."
• "I'm gonna rip him a new one if he doesn't leave me alone."
• "What's with him?"
• "Yeah. No, I-- I was just..."
• "You're acting weird. Is anything wrong?"
• "All right, we're broken up."
• "Did you, by any chance, take them with you when you left?"
• "-Oh, no, no-- -Why would I steal a box of raisins?"
• "And I don't wanna hear any more of your stupid notes and suggestions."
• "I don't think we're gonna have any problem with that."
• "Well, why? I-- All right, you want--? May I call you?"
• "I could have any woman in this city that I want. Anyone."
• "What are you all looking at?!"
• "Doctor called and said I'm not gonna get the results for another two days."
• "Now this thing's gonna be a success, and God gives me a terminal disease."
• "That's what I'm trying to find out."
• "Forty percent, 50 percent, 100 percent."
• "If you're suggesting what I think, you're wasting your time."
• "...it's all taken care of. I filed a report. An investigation is under way."
• "I wanna be close to my home base, in case there's any news from the front."
• "No. Pick it up more in the front. It's gotta be higher. Higher."
• "You know, you haven't changed a bit."
• "-I can't remember my lines. -Just relax, you'll be fine."
• "Yeah, this is George Costanza. I'm-- I'm calling for my test results."
• "Yes, of course. How stupid of me."
• "...but we got a show to do tonight. Time to pull together as a team."
• "If you ever want to tell me about it, the door to my office is always open."
• "-Yeah, he flies a plane. -No, a pilot is the taping of a show..."
• "And we hope it becomes a series. It's called Jerry. I'm playing Jerry--"
• "What was that thing he yelled out, sic semper tyrannis? Is that Latin?"
• "-I told everybody I know to watch it. -Yeah, me too."
• "It's my father's wallet. He thought they stole it at the doctor's office."
• "How do you decide which ones to wear? I'd go crazy if I had to decide."
• "Hey, that's that idiot that took all my records."
• "I hate the "Sein.""
• "You know, I really like this guy playing the butler."
• "-Why don't you start in the bedroom. -I'll start in your bedroom."
• "Jerry, he is your butler. You can give him any order you want."
• "I just bought two cans last week, and I don't have any wood here."
• "You went out with my butler? Who said you could go out with my butler?"
• "He's a member of our health club, isn't he?"
• "You know, that Kim Novak had some big breasts."
• "...you've pretty much mapped out his future, wouldn't you say?"
• "It was really funny. I'm not just saying that because I know you."
• "...Russell Dalrymple is no longer with this network."
• "...Russell and I did not see eye to eye on many, many projects."
• "I didn't know that he'd fall for me, and I'd drive him insane, I mean--"
• "...I used to work for NBC, but when I go back to her this time..."
• "No, that's-- That's-- That's why we're here. We're checking things out."
• "Hey, come here. I want you to know something."
• "-Get away with what? -"With what?" You know what."
• "And may I say, sir, they're lovely girls. Absolutely lovely girls."
• "-So guess what I gotta do tomorrow. -What?"
• "Keep fighting it, matey. Get your head above the water."
• "I'll tell her all about you and what you did out here."
• "...exploring uncharted territories. You think we wanna do these things?"
• "I guarantee you, every astronaut, when he comes back from space..."