The Finale

Season 9, Episode 23 — 169 scenes

• "...it's all about sitting down. "I would really like to sit down with you.""
• "Maybe if we all lie down, then our brains will work."
• "Would it kill her to check up on us? Would that be a terrible thing?"
• "You know what? I don't think so. I'm gonna need it from time to time."
• "That's the kind of mood I'm in when I haven't showered."
• "Health's not doing it for me anymore. I'm sick of health."
• "-Hey, Jo Jo. -Hey, hey."
• "-All right, thanks for the ride, Kramer. -No, thank you."
• "Jill's father is in the hospital, and you call to ask about him on a cell phone?"
• "And the street cell phone call is the lowest phone call you can make."
• "Here's a thought."
• "If you are thinking of instituting an open door urination policy..."
• "Hey, everybody, grab a bucket. We're going up to Jerry's."
• "...calling from James Kimbrough's office at NBC."
• "Hello. Hi. This is Jerry Seinfeld..."
• "No problem. Definitely."
• "He wants to sit down with us and talk about Jerry."
• "No sports jacket? I don't need one? Writers wear sports jackets."
• "Need some water."
• "If he says he doesn't want it to be a show about nothing, don't go nuts."
• "-Put me down. I'm down. -All right."
• "Jay Crespi. I'm gonna forget Jay Crespi, huh?"
• "Why don't we sit down? I'm glad you're here."
• "Right. I was looking for something different. Something that would have..."
• "I would think people would talk about it at the coffee machines."
• "Anyway, Stu here started telling me about a show, Jerry..."
• "And Elaine, I wouldn't mind seeing something happening between you."
• "Or we can not do the show altogether. How about that?"
• "Yeah, well, I'm calling from my home."
• "I'm sorry, I'm getting another call. Hang on just a second."
• "-Did you hear what I said? -I was on the other line talking to Jill."
• "The only thing I watch is Xena: The Warrior Princess."
• "-Jerry, you ever watch that? -Yeah, it's pretty good."
• "Without the writing, you have nothing. You make them look good."
• "The whole thing sounds pretty stupid to me."
• "NBC is letting me use their private jet?"
• "They're putting it on the air. They're giving us a 13 episode commitment."
• "Yeah, but, Jerry, what happens if the show's a hit?"
• "And my agent said as a bonus I can use their private jet."
• "-Why are they doing this? -I think they wanna make it up to us..."
• "They can discuss anything, from world affairs to the fine art of fishing."
• "-It's springtime. -It's still bleak."
• "So then you'll walk down the hill and we'll pick you up."
• "Why don't we just all go to Paris?"
• "-So that's it. It's settled. -Yeah."
• "Hey. NBC limo is downstairs."
• "Well, I can't call from the limo. Can I call from the plane?"
• "Well, I hear it's quite beautiful there this time of year..."
• "...but I have a cousin there who's suffering very badly."
• "Pull yourself together. You're making me sick."
• "When an evil wind will blow through your little play world..."
• "-We'll take care of them for you. -Just keeps getting better and better."
• "The only way to fly."
• "I bet when they gave him a plane, it was a lot nicer than this."
• "-I have a good mind to write a letter-- -You're not writing any letters."
• "I don't know. It just is."
• "Kramer, stop that. It's not safe to be jumping on a plane."
• "-What is that noise? -Kramer, what the hell did you do?"
• "-There's something I have to tell you. -What? What is it?"
• "-Jerry, I gotta tell you something too. -Yeah."
• "Why don't you take a cab into town, get yourself something to eat?"
• "We'll see you later."
• "I say we go back to New York and take a regular flight."
• "You get on the phone with Kimbrough and tell him to get another plane here."
• "See, the great thing about robbing a fat guy is..."
• "I want your wallet. Come on. Come on, come on!"
• "What's wrong with the plane we got? They're checking it out."
• "The law requires you to help or assist anyone in danger..."
• "That's what nuns and Red Cross workers are for."
• "I heard about it after Princess Diana was killed..."
• "Well, it's not that easy. See, the law calls for a maximum fine of $85,000..."
• "My guess is you're gonna be prosecuted."
• "-I didn't tell you to put it on. -Jerry Seinfeld on the phone."
• "You don't have to help anybody. That's what this country's about."
• "...you're not gonna be able to find a hotel room in this town."
• "And a big issue in this trial is going to be character."
• "It's pretty good chow, huh?"
• "I realize we're prisoners, but we're still entitled to ketchup."
• "Oh, sure, video."
• "...what most of you have probably been discussing in your homes..."
• "...considering the media circus that has descended upon this quaint town."
• "There also seems to be some friction between Mr. Seinfeld and Ms. Benes."
• "-You got enough for a life sentence. -He likes it."
• "He couldn't get any air. He couldn't breathe. He was suffocating!"
• "Don't worry, I didn't use too much milk, because I know we gotta make it last."
• "I want them to see Perry Como. No one's gonna convict Perry Como."
• "If you start getting all smart-alecky, making wisecracks, acting a fool..."
• "You got respect for yourself. You're genuine."
• "The jury's gonna pick up on that."
• "-Do I have to? -Jackie says put it on, Jerry."
• "Fourth District County Court, Latham, Massachusetts is now in session."
• "...they actually mocked the victim as he was being robbed at gunpoint."
• "...this is not the first time they have behaved in this manner."
• "...they are going to be held accountable."
• "...have been incarcerated while the real perpetrator..."
• "We know they were bystanders, nobody's disputing that."
• "No. Because you cannot be a bystander and be guilty."
• "That was wonderful. Thank you."
• "Is the prosecution ready to present its first witness?"
• "With the court's permission, we would like to play back that video..."
• "It's less money for him to buy food."
• "So they just stood there and did nothing?"
• "You know, you almost got us killed."
• "It is imperative that we establish this is not merely an isolated incident."
• "-Objection overruled. -Thank you."
• "Well, I was in Schnitzer's Bakery when I got accosted by that man."
• "Stop, thief. Please, stop him. Stop him, he's got my marble rye."
• "I call Marla Penny to the stand."
• "Then on October 28th, there was an abrupt end to that relationship."
• "-Boy, this is an outrage. -For the love of God."
• "It was horrible. Horrible."
• "What the hell are you all looking at?"
• "Well, Jerry Seinfeld was supposed to come to my house..."
• "The correct answer is the Moops."
• "-It's Moops. -Moors."
• "There's no Moops, you idiot."
• "So Mr. Costanza parked in a handicapped spot, and as a result..."
• "So you were the doctor on duty the night Susan Ross died?"
• "-Murderer! -He killed our daughter."
• "Look at this one. She's fine."
• "-You met Ms. Benes in the same club? -Yes, that's true."
• "...and she fell into your breasts."
• "Because he sent her in there to find out if they were real."
• "-How long was his book overdue? -Twenty-five years."
• "Well, I invited him to attend my son's birthday party and...."
• "...in the parking garage at the Garden Valley Shopping Mall."
• "Because I could get uromysitisis poisoning and die, that's why."
• "Perhaps these two hooligans would like to have a pee party right here!"
• "-You just cost me some money. -Hey, cool it, lady."
• "So you asked Mr. Seinfeld if he would wear your puffy shirt..."
• "So either get some other kind of microphone up there or let's move on."
• "-Had one little problem though. -What was that?"
• "-How did she try to kill you? -She tried to smother me with a pillow."
• "-How do you know the defendants? -They used to come to my restaurant."
• "Medium turkey chili."
• "Medium crab bisque."
• "-I didn't get any bread. -Just forget it. Let it go."
• "But the idiot clowns did not know how to order."
• "I had to close the store and move to Argentina."
• "-How did they find Babu? -I thought he was deported."
• "You've come a long way to be here today, haven't you?"
• "All they do is mock me. Just like they did the fat fellow."
• "Send them away. Send them all away. Lock them up forever."
• "Hi, I'm Geraldo Rivera, and welcome to this special edition of Rivera Live."
• "One had the feeling that if Judge Vandelay didn't put a stop to it..."
• "And that bizarre contest certainly didn't sit well with this small-town jury."
• "Geraldo, it just went on and on and on into the night."
• "...had ever been to his house. Did you see the look on his face?"
• "Well, maybe there's something I can do for you."
• "Oh, Jackie. You're so articulate."
• "Hey, Elaine. What was it you were about to say to me on the plane..."
• "Maybe because she knows you're going to jail."
• "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury..."
• "Will the defendants please rise?"
• "And how do you find with respect to the charge of criminal indifference?"
• "Order in this court."
• "...has rocked the very foundation upon which our society is built."
• "...the manner in which you have conducted yourselves."
• "You had to hop on the plane!"
• "-Don't wait for me. -All right."
• "...they're real, and they're spectacular."
• "Don't have to worry about your meals or what you're gonna do Saturdays."
• "Yeah, Elaine, you could be Liza Doolittle."
• "If I call Jill from prison, you think that would make up for the other ones?"
• "See, now, to me, that button is in the worst possible spot."
• "Haven't we had this conversation before?"
• "What's with the lockdown? Why do we have to be locked in cells?"
• "Grand theft auto. Don't steal any of my jokes."
• "All right, Seinfeld, that's it. Let's go. Come on."